#the best i can DO on ANY given day is TRY. because i am DISABLED and UNMEDICATED and TRAUMATISED and nobody;s willing to Listen to me about

[covid-safer-hotties]

To My Unmasked Friend in the Fifth Year of COVID - By: Anna Holmes - Published Aug 17, 2024

I’m going to be honest with you, because I love you, and you deserve nothing but honesty. I’m going to try really hard not to be angry while I do it, but it’s probably going to slip out every now and again. But I need you to hear me out, all right?

By now, we’ve talked about my reality. My personal struggle with long COVID, the isolation I live in, why I am so angry all the time.

But let’s talk about you. You just went to a big convention overseas. You got on a plane, got a little gussied up, talked shop with some insiders, geeked out over awards and merch, ate, drank, were merry, left with your social cup and your heart full.

You’re a good person. We wouldn’t be friends otherwise! You’d never dream of tripping a person with a red and white cane, using the r-word, excluding a disabled person from an event because of something they can’t help.

You might even acknowledge that the COVID response from governments and organizations has been ableist and inadequate.

But you didn’t wear a mask.

For whatever reason — you wanted to show off your makeup, it makes you itchy, you believed the messaging that COVID is endemic (what does that actually mean?), you just don’t think about it anymore — you made a choice that actively excludes people like me from participating not only in an event like a convention, but society at large. And yes, it is a choice. Every time you step out into the world without a mask on your face, you have made a decision that your very good reason, whatever it is, supersedes the right of disabled and at-risk people to exist safely in your orbit.

Well, hold on, you say. It’s not any one individual’s fault, it’s the inadequate public health messaging. Isn’t that what you’ve been saying?

And I have. In the past, I have talked about how it is unconscionable that health authorities have thrown their hands up and rescinded guidance that would have saved hundreds of thousands of lives and prolonged a pandemic that, to hear them tell it, has been bested. It hasn’t. Worst of all, the financial motivation that we all know is driving this premature victory lap isn’t even being fulfilled. Long COVID and other post-COVID complications are costing the global economy one trillion a year. Meanwhile, article after article handwrings about nobody wanting to work anymore, about the sagging college application scene, about declines in military enlistment, and the strain on our healthcare systems.

All of this is very much the fault of our leaders, who have decided the political ramifications of “normalcy” are more important than the health and lives of the 400 million people living with long COVID across the globe, the immunocompromised folks who are increasingly being shut out of every conceivable public space, and the disabled community which has been screaming into the wind about our marginalization since before the virus even hit US soil.

But I want to be very clear. You are helping them do this.

The reality is that we have been living in this deeply flawed landscape of “personal choice”, and you’ve made yours. You’ve opted not to look into how densely clustered cases are. You’ve stopped listening to your friends who have informed themselves. You’ve given yourself permission to put COVID on the back burner. You’ve earned it, right? Four and a half years of trauma?

COVID doesn’t care if you’re tired of being scared or careful or considerate. COVID is not something you can personally overcome by being smart or virtuous or brave. It is a virus which only seeks to infect and replicate, and it is getting very good at those things. While you’ve looked away, my community has been scrambling to avoid variants that skirt immunity and don’t show up on rapid tests until day five-seven. The constant battle has changed since you were last in it. It’s not sufficient anymore to get your shots and test before a big event. You could well be asymptomatic and infectious, or have symptoms and convinced yourself it can’t be COVID because that second line hasn’t popped up.

You have come to the conclusion sometime between 2022 and now that you just have to decide what level of risk you’re comfortable with and live with it. The problem with that is scale. It’s you and everybody else doing that, and a lot of people have decided they are comfortable with a high level of risk. Despite what you’ve been told, you’re not just making that decision for yourself. You are making it for every person you come in contact with.

Think back to the early tense days of 2020. We were told to select a “bubble.” Those people would be our social lifelines, and through those, we could control our exposure.

My bubble is quite small. It includes my husband, my sister, and two friends I see relatively frequently.

My husband goes to work via the bus, and to the grocery store. Every person he comes in contact with there has the potential to infect him, and then he has the potential to pass it along to me. He mitigates this by wearing a well-fitted respirator at all times.

My sister goes to work at a busy public place. She masks when public facing and takes it off in the back office. She goes to restaurants, bars, concerts, hangs out with friends and her own partner unmasked. About 75% of her interactions have the heightened potential to infect her, which she might then bring into my house when she visits me.

My friends do not mask anywhere except my house when asked. They attend concerts, shows, cons, bars.

Obviously, I am in control of whether I wear a mask around these people. And as we approach one million new cases a day, I will be around everyone but my husband. But science is clear: reciprocal masking is more effective at infection control than a single person masking — especially when that single person is trying to protect themselves, not others.

This is settled science. We’ve known this since 2020. It says clearly that the choice you make is not personal- it has implications for everyone you come in contact with.

And being clear — if I could, I’d make everyone wear a mask for their own health. I don’t want people suffering with what I have. But you’ve been told this lie that you can take your risks for yourself, so you feel comfortable going out without a mask. You’ve been told this lie that it’s possible to completely recover from a COVID infection, so you assume that even if you do catch it, that’s what’ll happen to you, despite evidence showing that every body is indelibly changed by an infection, and that risk only grows with each subsequent infection.

And the greatest lie of all — that only the sick or elderly have anything to fear from COVID — has given you unfounded confidence in your own “good” genes or immune system or fitness. You can get long COVID even if you’re in peak form — in fact, may even be more likely to be hit hard.

So you have decided, individually and collectively, that only the sick or elderly should have to take precautions, and you freewheel through life, only to get surprised and dismayed when you bump into COVID in the wild. It’s back, people declare every summer or winter, as though it ever left.

But I want you to really think about the implications of your choice. Besides yourself. Because let’s be honest here, that’s who you’ve been thinking about, right? Your risk. Your comfort. Never mind your bubble, never mind the bubble of everyone you come into contact with, never mind the people like me who are literally hiding from people like you.

You’re not masking at the doctor’s office. You’re not masking at the airport. You’re not masking at the giant superspreader you just attended, and you’re not masking in the bars and restaurants where we know the virus flourishes. And then you’re bringing that exposure back to your family and friends. Back to the grocery store, where you run across people like my husband, shopping for someone who is unsafe to leave the house, or your elderly neighbors, or an immunocompromised employee.

You’re a good person, or you like to think of yourself that way. That’s why when you’re asked to mask, you dismiss it out of hand — because that changed behavior implies that you’ve been doing something wrong.

And my friend, I’m telling this because I love you: you have been. You might have been doing that on faulty information, but be honest with yourself and with me — you’ve heard me begging people to take this seriously. You’ve seen the information I’ve been sharing. You have had the opportunity to seek out the correct information all along, and you have chosen not to.

It isn’t too late to change your view of the risk you’re imposing on the people around you. It’s not too late to push public health to become more effective. It’s not too late to act in solidarity and be the inclusive person you think you are. It’s not too late to take care of yourself.

Ultimately, that’s what I have been screaming myself hoarse about. I don’t want you to end up with what I have. I don’t want you to inadvertently impose that on someone else. And yes, I’ve been angry, because you’ve been advertising your absolute lack of concern with group shots of your naked faces on social media. It doesn’t seem to bother you that I am stuck at home like it’s 2020, except for doctors’ appointments that I literally have to risk my life to go to. You’ve told yourself that it’s not your problem, because only the sick and elderly have to take precautions.

You know better. You can do better. For your community, yourself, and me, do better.

Please. I love you.

Anna

PS. If you’re feeling upset and embarrassed right now, the best thing you can do is take action. Get yourself good masks (the surgicals and cloth ones don’t cut it anymore), donate to mask blocs so others can access good masks, write to your representatives and the President, comment on upcoming CDC guidance, schedule yourself a booster, and talk to your loved ones about doing better, too. The only way we get out of this is with community care. So care.

[warabidakihime]

Rules and Roses Chapter 2

★ characters: kibutsuji muzan x reader x akaza

★ plot summary: Kibutsuji Muzan has finally decided to expand his empire, and the way he intends to do so is by running for the highest political position. With you, his darling wife, at his side, he believes he can achieve and have everything the world has to offer. He is, after all, the Phoenix of Phario.

★ fic playlist: sometimes, same day, as time stops, wolf’s song (this is also the vision board for the fic). 

★ content warnings : implied violence and abuse, profanities, toxic relationships, smut.

★ Previous Chapter

a/n:

hello!!!

first of all, i am so sorry for taking so long to update this story. ٩(ˊᗜˋ*)و ♡

life happened and i got sooo busy. the time i uploaded this fic was when i just started at my new workplace and shortly after a few weeks, i was already preoccupied with work. at first, i was laser-focused on getting used to my new work and the culture. then later on, i found myself playing a more important role in the office that required my undivided attention lol. besides that, so many things happened in my personal life as well that i didn't have the time and energy to write.

btw i'm now a writer by profession as well so oftentimes i would feel drained af after writing corporate write-ups. tbh, i also got hit by writer's block, especially for this fic because the plot i have in mind for it is lowkey intricate, and for the most part, i haven't decided on what route i should take story-wise. so during those 2 years, i was constantly trying to reconstruct the story in my head, and here we are!

i'm back but i'm not so sure about updating regularly as i'm still incredibly busy, but i will do my best! the latest kny seasons inspired me to write again (aka my crush for muzan lol).

hopefully, everyone is still here to read this. ٩(ˊᗜˋ*)و ♡

as always, comments and kudos are highly appreciated!

happy reading!

-

"Can you outline your key policy platforms should you be elected President of Phario? Given your extensive background in the human resource industry as well as your rich connections owing to your business ventures in Obelisk Kibutsuji, do you first plan to address the pressing issue of the national unemployment rate?"

"Indeed, that's correct. As President, one of my top priorities will be to strengthen our nation's workforce, which is crucial for advancing our economy. I have a comprehensive plan focused on job creation, vocational training, and support for small businesses. These initiatives will not only reduce unemployment but also stimulate innovation and competitiveness within our economy.

I also aim to implement policies that ensure equal access to education, equipping our citizens with the skills needed for the evolving job market. Healthcare reform is high on my agenda. I'll ensure healthcare assistance is accessible to everyone, public hospitals are well-maintained, and healthcare workers are fairly compensated and protected by the state in any dire situations. Additionally, I'll push for technological advancements and infrastructure development to attract both local and foreign investments.

Addressing social issues is equally important, and as a devoted ally of these communities, I'm committed to fighting all forms of discrimination, especially against women and the LGBTQ+ community. We must ensure everyone, regardless of gender, sexual orientation, or identity, has equal opportunities and protections under the law.

Moreover, I'll advocate for the rights and welfare of people with disabilities, ensuring they have access to the necessary resources and support to lead fulfilling lives. This includes improving accessibility in public spaces and promoting inclusive employment practices.

Animal welfare will also be a significant focus. We need to enact and enforce laws that protect animals from abuse and ensure humane treatment.

Lastly, I'll champion the rights of minorities and immigrants. Our nation is built on the strength of its diversity, and it's imperative we create an inclusive society where everyone feels valued and respected. This includes reforming immigration policies to be fair and humane and implementing programs that support the integration and empowerment of minority communities.

In essence, my administration will be dedicated to creating a sustainable and inclusive economic environment where every Pharian has the opportunity to thrive and contribute to our nation's progress."

Muzan stood confidently at the podium, a modest yet proud smile gracing his face after addressing a journalist's question amidst a room bustling with media personnel.

Today was the day where presidential candidates shared their platforms, which also served as an open forum for engaging with the press and fielding inquiries on a wide array of topics—from current events to personal matters.

With his seasoned composure before cameras and crowds, Muzan navigated the spotlight effortlessly. His articulate delivery drew admiration from all corners as he outlined his plans for the presidency, filling you with pride as you watched from the audience.

Among the attendees, your smile beamed with pride and unconditional support for him. Akaza, who is sitting right beside you, maintained a stoic demeanor outwardly, though inwardly, he couldn't deny a hint of impressed regard. Muzan's comprehensive platform and commanding presence left an undeniable impact on him.

Eloquence had always been Muzan's forte, a skill honed through years of being a businessman and somewhat of a public figure, as among his peers and in the business landscape in general, he is well-revered and widely celebrated.

Beyond his ability to articulate ideas, he possessed a magnetic charisma—an invaluable trait for navigating the intricate world of politics and public service.

Several hours later, the policy speech slash press conference finally ended, and now you were on your way to meet up with Muzan at the lobby of the hotel where the gathering was held when a few journalists spotted you among the sea of people who were also exiting the function room.

Akaza was right behind you and is also on full alert, an important instruction your husband told him when he appointed him as your personal bodyguard a few years back. Committed to his duty, he stood there in a stance where he is ready to take action should anything happen that is out of the ordinary.

Mics were stretched out and placed within just a few inches of your face, and one of them took the liberty to ask you a question: "What are your thoughts on Kibutsuji Muzan's campaign platforms?” 

Very much like your husband, you also wore a modest yet confident smile on your face as you held eye contact with the journalist who asked you that question before displaying your own version of eloquence as you answered,

"To say that I am proud while listening to him share and advocate for the causes he wholeheartedly believed in would be the biggest understatement of the decade," you said with a fond chuckle before continuing, "even before he filed for his candidacy and even way before he became the man we all know now, he has always been outspoken about these things. He would always share with me his desire of making significant changes in the world, hoping no more children would have to endure what he did. As many of you know, Muzan, my dear husband, came from very humble beginnings, and unlike me, he has faced challenges far beyond my own. His vision and intuition surpass that of most, and so, as cliché as it may sound, his words and strong convictions carry a weight and authenticity that are strong enough to enable him in doing the impossible and inspire others to believe that a better future is within our grasp."

Akaza listened intently to your answer, finding himself captivated by your words. The way you addressed the press made you sound like a candidate yourself who's also sharing her platform. In that moment, he couldn't help but feel an overwhelming surge of pride as he continued to absorb your statements.

The journalists surrounding you mirrored his sentiment, clearly impressed by your response—no surprise from the esteemed Ballerina Queen of Phario.

It had been quite some time since you last entertained interviews, having retired and chosen to stay away from public engagements.

"Among the plethora of initiatives he wishes to take action on once he's elected, what resonated with you the most?"

You paused, contemplating the list of campaigns your husband had presented earlier. Just as you were about to respond, an arm encircled your waist and gave it a tender squeeze.

It was Muzan.

"Knowing my wife's love for animals, I'm certain she's most excited about what I have planned for animal welfare," Muzan interjected warmly.

You playfully rolled your eyes, eliciting amusement from not only your husband and your respective bodyguards but also the press. "You say that as if it's a bad thing," you quipped.

Muzan chuckled fondly. "Not at all, my love. Your passion for animals is one of the many reasons I fell for you."

The same journalist who had asked you the second question now directed his attention to Muzan, eager for his response. "Based on the most recent public survey, you're likely the most favored candidate to win the elections. What can you say about that, Sir Kibutsuji?"

Muzan smiled bashfully at the reporter, his eyes reflecting a mix of humility and determination. "I'm incredibly honored and thankful that our fellow countrymen have placed such faith and confidence in me. It's a humbling reminder of the trust they have in our vision for a brighter future. This campaign has always been about bringing real change to Phario, addressing the pressing issues our nation faces with innovative solutions and inclusive policies. The support we're seeing reflects not just my efforts, but the collective desire of our people for progress and unity."

He paused briefly, his gaze sweeping across the room, before continuing with renewed conviction, "Though I would like to emphasize that I don't take this trust lightly, it actually fuels my commitment to serve with integrity and purpose, to listen to the voices of every Pharian, and to lead with compassion and foresight."

By now, the press was highly satisfied with the answers both of you had given, granting you the freedom to depart. Clearly spent after the eventful day, you exchanged farewells and well-wishes before going your separate ways.

With Muzan's arm still draped around your waist, he guided you towards the grand entrance of the hotel. Meanwhile, Akaza made his way to the basement parking lot to retrieve your car, preparing to drive you both home. Kokushibo remained close to Muzan, ensuring your security as you awaited the car's arrival.

Turning to Muzan, unfazed by the bustling activity around you, you placed a tender kiss on his lips, smiling warmly. "Great job out there, my love. You did so well today. I'm incredibly proud of you."

Clearly elated, Muzan mirrored your smile and returned your affection with a gentle kiss on your forehead. "Thank you, darling. Your support means everything to me."

"Truly, I was beaming throughout your speech. You were absolutely amazing. Phario is fortunate to have such an admirable leader like you," you praised sincerely.

Right there and then, Muzan couldn't help but raise his eyebrow and playfully smile at you, prompting a confused raise of your own eyebrow.

"What's that look for?" you asked.

Muzan shook his head with a playful smirk before replying, "You're not showing favoritism now, are you, my love? I know you adore me, but let's keep it fair, hmm?" he teased, his tone light-hearted and affectionate.

You rolled your eyes at his playful accusation. "Ha-ha. Very funny, Muzan. I'll take it back, then."

Muzan laughed wholeheartedly, drawing attention once again. "I was just joking!" He then smiled warmly at you, his eyes reflecting pride. "Thank you," he said sincerely. "Hearing that from you means more than any applause, you know?"

You reached out to pinch his cheeks. "You play too much sometimes, you know?" you said with a chuckle before continuing, "But like I said, hearing you speak today—and in all those times you shared your aspirations with me from when we were students up to now, as you finally have the opportunity to make all come true—it's evident how deeply committed you are. Beyond your skills and capabilities, your passion is what makes you so compelling, Muzan. It's what makes me believe in you, too."

Minutes later, while waiting by the entrance, Akaza finally pulled up with the car. You and Muzan bid farewell to those around you before stepping into the comfort of your vehicle.

As the city lights blurred past the windows, you reflected on the day's events.

"You know," you began, glancing at Muzan beside you, "I have a feeling your speech today touched more hearts than just mine."

Muzan smiled softly, intertwining his fingers with yours. 

"I hope so. Though the election is still months away, and who knows how things might shift, that's why I don't want to take any of this for granted. I'm in this for the long haul. You'll be there with me, won't you?"

He looked over to you, and in that moment, despite his big words, he looked absolutely adorable, with his ruby eyes shining at you and his lips slightly pouty as he waited for your response, which you gladly provided through the means of placing yet another sweet and passionate kiss on his lips and squeezing his hand reassuringly. 

"I'll always be here for you, Muzan, through every challenge and triumph."

"I love you," he whispered lovingly, his expression sincere and heartfelt.

"And I love you," you replied with equal affection.

With a comforting squeeze of your hand, you nestled against Muzan's shoulder, feeling a sense of contentment as the car navigated through familiar streets towards home.

Meanwhile, in the driver's seat, Akaza's face remained unreadable. He was outwardly indifferent to the tender exchange between you and Muzan, but inwardly, he was seething with rage.

You think you're so clever, spouting all those promises and pretty words, playing the saint for the public eye. But I see through you. You're nothing but a manipulative snake, a liar wrapped in a facade of righteousness.

His gaze hardened and his grip on the wheel tightened as he stared ahead, the streetlights casting shadows on his determined expression.

One day, your mask will slip. 

I will fucking rip it off your face, even if it's the last thing I do.

[canideformed]

People need to realise that a trans person’s experiences with oppression are far more impacted by things that aren’t as black and white as what specific queer label they identify as.

Living in a community that respects your gender, having the ability to medically transition if you want, especially at a young/er age, being perisex, being white, being abled, being wealthy (inherently tied to how accessible transition is to you), having supportive parents, even the level of gender deviant you’re perceived to be by cis people.

When you’re trans and/or intersex, being straight and/or being a man aren’t privileges. We’re all viewed as gender deviant, and simply identifying as straight or as a man doesn’t change that. Sometimes, the ability to pass can change that.

I can personally attest that, the more I pass as my target gender on any given day, the better I am treated and the less transphobia I experience. If I have a beard and square shoulders when I’m trying to be perceived as a woman, people don’t like it. They also don’t like it when I wear clothes that emphasise my hips when I’m trying to be perceived as a man. This also applies to sexuality. When I was with my ex bf, I was treated better when I was perceived as a woman. This is regardless of my personal orientation (which is actually mostly gay man). Even as a transfemmasc intersex gay (wo)man, the times I was treated the best were the times I could pass for a non-gender/sex/sexuality-deviant woman and when I could pass for a non-gender/sex/sexuality-deviant man. When even one of those things changes, when I was seen as a gay man, or a lesbian, or a trans woman, or a trans man—people start throwing me looks on the street and sometimes even going out of their way to harass me.

And yes! Misogyny does exist. But all gender deviant people experience it (or homophobia, but imo those two are linked anyway, at least based on my experiences being perceived as a woman vs. a gay man).

Similarly, when one of my disabilities becomes visible (if I need my cane or have a shutdown or meltdown, etc.), it impacts the way people treat my trans identity. I deserve less autonomy, the demonisation/infantilisation/both intensifies vastly, etc.

The way these things interact is complicated. I have a complicated transition history due to being intersex and could technically be categorised as “transitioned young,” both on the axis of being transfem and on the axis of being transmasc (it’s complicated!), but it’s honestly not a privilege in that situation because it also came with medical abuse.

TL;DR, an individuals’ level of privilege and an individuals’ experiences with oppression are both complex dynamics that can’t be dumbed down to “men don’t experience misogyny” or “all men have male privilege” or “straight trans people are privileged over gay trans people” or any other black and white statement based purely on one’s personal identity that completely ignores the vast array of intersecting factors as well as simple luck and personal circumstance.

Also—trans people in places like North America or certain parts of Europe will always be privileged over trans people in places with cultural variations and slower acceptance of gender deviation, probably in ways we won’t be able to ever imagine. So listen to trans people who do have those experiences.

[actuallyadhd]

Hi, I have a question about adhd and autism. I have an autism diagnosis and was assessed for adhd a few years ago, but I was found to not have symptoms during childhood and so I wasn't diagnosed. (The psychologist also seemed to think I was too smart to have adhd so I don't really trust her assessment.) I'm wondering if my autism could have masked my adhd as a child, and if so, if you have any tips on how to go about getting assessed again.

Thank you!

Sent April 12, 2025

Okay, so ADHD and autism can sometimes be misdiagnosed as each other. Then there's this weird thing where if you have one you may well also have the other, but you're also more likely to be just ADHD than just autistic. (I hope that makes sense. Basically, since you're autistic you're more likely to also have ADHD but it's not for sure.)

Depending on how your autism affects you, it could certainly have masked your ADHD (and vice versa!).

There's a lot of discussion going on right now about what exactly is the nature of autism vs the nature of ADHD. There's a lot of overlap between the two, and the best way I've had to explain the difference between autistic executive dysfunction vs ADHD executive dysfunction is that the base reason for the issue is different. So someone with just ADHD might struggle with being on time for a completely different base reason than someone who is just autistic. ("Just" here meaning "only the one thing" not "not a big deal".) Meanwhile, someone who has both (AuDHD) might struggle with being on time for different base reasons on different days or at different points in the same day.

Good for you for understanding that whether or not you have ADHD or autism has nothing to do with how "smart" you are! I am fed up with that idea and really wish people would realize that intellectual disability can, indeed, come along with autism and ADHD, but it's not a given. (One of the reasons IQ tests are not great for neurodivergent people is that they don't typically have adaptations allowed for different methods of communication. You just do the tasks and if you can't talk or you have a meandering way of getting to the actual answer, you lose points. That makes literally no sense to me. And yes, I know my number, and it's useless and silly.)

In order to get reassessed, you will need to get a referral to a different clinician. If you live in or near a college town that has a good psych program, there may be someone on staff who specializes in autism/ADHD. Go to your doctor and ask for a new referral. Be clear that you want to see someone different from last time, just to get a second opinion.

If the second opinion is that you're only autistic, no ADHD present, you may still find that ADHD tricks can help you, just as I found a lot of autistic tricks helped me before I was diagnosed with ADHD (whether or not I'm actually AuDHD is still up in the air, and at nearly 50 I don't see the point in pursuing a diagnosis). In addition, some autistic people who don't have an ADHD diagnosis do find that stimulant medications help them with their executive dysfunction, so that is always something you can discuss with your doctor. Do be careful if you decide to try that, because if you have an anxiety disorder or deal with high levels of anxiety, stimulants can often make your anxiety worse. In that case, something like guanfacine (blood pressure medication) or atomoxetine (brand name Strattera, non-stimulant) might be a better choice.

Followers, how many of you are AuDHD? Have you found that being diagnosed with both has helped you manage life better, or does it matter?

-J

[copperbadge]

Hi Sam, how did you come to the conclusion you should be tested for neurodivergence? I've been reading a lot of Temple Grandin (Visual Thinking is fantastic) and see so much of myself in her books. But, I, too, am, let's just say well into adulthood, and I don't know if my life would change that much with a diagnosis. The only thing I can think of doing with a diagnosis is telling my siblings and childhood bullies that they picked on someone who had a reason for being "weird." But it doesn't change anything. Beyond the medication, did you find any solace? Thank you for sharing your journey.

I was just thinking I should do a post about this....

I don't recall the specifics and have never been able to find the post again, but sometime prior to 2019 I made a joke about having a short attention span, and someone said something like "Oh, did you finally get a diagnosis?" and I said haha no, I don't have ADHD, and a bunch of readers went, "Uh, you very clearly do." Some of them added that they thought I knew and was just being discreet about it. (As if I have ever been discreet about anything in my life.)

So I figured, okay, probably there's some level of neurodivergence there, given that my mother and siblings all have various diagnoses, and my father was clearly autistic. (Knowing what we know now about how ADHD can mask as other mental illnesses, there's a strong chance this comes from my maternal grandmother, who was the person in the family I was most like when she was alive.) I tried a couple of times to get evaluated and always had either slow or nonexistent responses from the clinics I reached out to, so I stopped trying. I had a ton of coping mechanisms in place and was in a good spot in my life, so I thought honestly, what would it change?

But by the end of 2021, while I was still in a pretty good financial place, and my career was doing well, I could tell that if things kept up as they were I was going to tank my job purely through being unable to get through a day doing productive work the way I used to.

I thought, well, if this is ADHD and it's getting worse because the whole fucking world is on fire, I have two options: I can assume I have it and just do the reading and figure shit out on my own, or I can get evaluated, get professional advice, and possibly get medicated. That seemed like the best return on investment, so that's what I worked on. My goal was primarily medication, because I didn't see myself being able to change much else about my situation on my own. And, truthfully, medication has been the biggest change -- I actually have an essay about that queued for the anniversary of my starting Adderall. But while it hasn't been a massive life-altering world-shattering change, all of this was worth it purely for the medication.

Uh, momentary sidebar in my memoir: there are downsides to having a diagnosed disability -- discrimination, legal barriers to certain things like holding government jobs or adopting, etc. Those have to be weighed when you're considering evaluation. If you think you may have autism, there's not necessarily an advantage to having a formal diagnosis unless you need accommodations; if you think you may have ADHD, the huge advantage is access to medication, which doesn't exist for autism as far as I'm aware. So your particular flavor of neurodivergence might dictate whether you get a diagnosis, or whether you just start operating on the assumption you have it. Both are valid, I think, it really depends on what's going on in your life and what you want to change.

Anyway, I have been doing other research, reading journal articles and pop psychology and talking to people, and that's been good, but even if I had none of that, the medication has been so helpful in getting me back on an even keel and then making life even better.

This sounds kind of weird to say but I'm not generally someone who needs a lot of solace. There is some relief in knowing that at least some of my fuckups in life weren't something I could have prevented by simply having more strength of character or working harder, and that's nice, but it's something I could have had without a formal diagnosis -- just like you could simply tell your siblings and bullies you have a diagnosis. (Being real, I doubt they'd care; bullies gonna bully whether you had a reason to be weird or not, and none of that would have been your fault regardless of your neurology. But it's all very situational, as I'm sure you know.) I wasn't badly bullied as a kid and there's nobody really to...tell, in the sense you're thinking of. But I didn't get into it for emotional solace; I got into it to fix a life that was, albeit extremely slowly, starting to fall apart. So if you're someone, as most people are, who derives emotional satisfaction or catharsis from having the diagnosis, I think it probably would be pretty helpful. But even if you aren't, like me, if you can get medication or accomodations, I think it's worth it.

[swampndn]

Lol y'all. In my attempt of actually doing shit to take care of me, I fucked up.

A trauma dear diary

So my two best friends have been telling me to get a massage for a long time, so last night, I impulse booked at 9am. I had therapy also today, so I figured it'd be a good idea to do both in the same day. Macrodose the self care. I even got an oil change too!

Anyway, the last massage I've ever gotten was 14 years ago, and given how much has happened in that time (and how hard I am on my physical body), I figured the 90-minute session over the 60 was warranted. This is big for me as I really got problems with people touching me in any kind of care way and lotion texture problems. We go over my medical history and current injuries. She is very thorough and very non-threatening.

Then we start. It's fine. It's all good. No problems. I surprisingly have no tension in my shoulders or neck, which surprised both of us.

But then y'all. She got to my hips, and hot fucking damn. She is shook, and she tells me that she doesn't remember the last time she experienced someone with the sheer amount of tension. She knows about my hypermobility disability, and she tells me that she's certain that is the only reason I'm still able to walk because there should be no way. So she is WORKIN' when all of a sudden, boom.

A very bad repressed memory comes back.

I've been in intensive trauma therapy for almost 2 years now for a number of things, but there was an incident in October that brought to light a confirmed series of events I had completely repressed. A whole ass thing.

Anyway, so today I get shot back to a memory. It's wild. Physical sensations, thoughts I was thinking at that exact moment in time, breathing, crystal clear vision like I'm literally there, and it's happening in real time. Honestly, the most clear memory recovery and flashback I have ever experienced, and there have been a few.

I come back to the table. I'm fine. I compartmentalize, knowing I'll deal with that in a few hours. We finish the massage, and I try to get up. Y'all, I'm disoriented. My vision is dim. I can barely move. I have to lean against the wall. I have no idea how long it took to get dressed, but it was a while as the therapist asked if I was okay. I was plenty hydrated before I got there. It was a physical experience I've never had. But I finally got my clothes on, and she gave me a treatment plan that seems very helpful and good. I pay then I leave.

I felt (and still feel) physically quite good. I've never noticed how my hips feel (mainly because my ankles and knees take all the focus), and I'm now hyper aware of them. I am fully stacked with back to back meetings until therapy, so I do them all. Again, feeling physically quite good.

Then I go to therapy. I tell my therapist, and she then goes, "We tell trauma patients to not get massages! Why didn't you talk to me about this first???"

She explains a lot of things like being triggered by certain physical touches etc., but her big thing was that there's a ton of research about how this specific type of intensive trauma I have LIVES IN THE HIPS. I was aware of that before, but since I never had problems with my hips, I didn't think it was applicable to me.

HA HA HA JOKES ON ME

I've since been googling about that, and uh oh. Now I understand her concern.

[fabdante]

Wanted to know what you thought about it, but:

I kinda headcanon that reboot Dante was actually pretty smart in school. Or at least, he would've been. He did good when he could get one of those rare teachers that actually treated you like a person and would sit down and explain the subject to you, and was patient with you through whatever fits you threw because you didn't understand the subject (or were just having a bad day). The kind that would tutor you after class or during recess or whenever they had the time, and treated you with patience and gave you encouragement (maybe more than his current guardians did). You know the kind?

I'd like to think he had at least one or two of those growing up, tho they got fewer and fewer the older he got and the more criminal things he had to do to survive- if he was even going to school at that point to begin with. The older he got, the more the shitty guardians and authority figures piled up, the worse the demon attacks got, the more he ended up in prison or places like a prison, the more time he had to spend homeless, the less and less "doing good in school" mattered to him. Because of everything previously mentioned, and because as he got older, he probably saw 1) the toll that took on the students going to school, any kind of school, especially the most vulnerable kids, and 2) just how little anything being taught in schools actually helped you in the real world. At least, unless you were rich. And white, and cis, and straight, and not neurodivergent or disabled.

Anyway, I think he had subjects that he liked and was good at, and probably still likes to read about on his own, if he has the time and space to store the books. Its just that being a mercenary (or whatever other illegal things he had to do before legally becoming an adult) usually paid better. Same with demon hunting, post-Limbo collapsing into the real world. He'd probably do well with a teacher or tutor, if he could find someone that could sit down and explain things to him. Not to get a degree or anything, because college is too expensive for too little gain (I can't see him ever willingly setting foot in the academic world again), but just. If the subject was interesting to him.

Like, he's probably gotta play catch up with some "basic" education stuff, stuff that he's missed out on one way or another, but he's smart, y'know? He's got potential- you just have to find a teacher that fits him, and also give him a reason to actually give a shit and try to learn.

I am a very big proponent of the Dante's being much smarter then given credit for by the fandom (I wrote a meta post about it one time, focusing on reboot Dante and mission 19)!

I feel like fandom likes tropes that are easier to digest which I think makes both Dante's characterization suffer in fanon from time to time. Which is not to say the Sparda family brain cell jokes and what not are not funny like I love them but...idk there's a lot more going on here is all.

I've always characterized reboot Dante as someone who is intelligent albeit not in the way reboot Vergil is. His is a sort of practical, analytical, observation. Like the best way I can describe it is I always put his best, most natural subject in school as English.

English class is about training you to analyze texts, any text. Like that's the whole point. The point is to get you to essentially 'solve' the problem of what a text means. And I feel like it's a skill that can be learned, but also can be a natural sort of curiosity that can be nourished. and I feel like from what we see with reboot Dante we sort of see him lean into this. Where as Vergil's all logic and study and rigid intellectualism, we sort of see Dante wonder. He analyzes situations. He's always prying for more information, more bits of information to study to put together what's happening around him. Like you can see it in how he approaches Kat for instance, he keeps trying different things to see what will get her to open up more and once he figures it out that's when he starts asking questions about Vergil, the thing he really wants to know about because (as I posit in the mission 19 post) he does not trust Vergil and wants more information about that.

So like in my own fanon I have him excelling a lot at stuff like English. I always have him reading the assigned books to, even if he might skim at times and has not picked up a book since he dropped out asdfghjk i do think though he'll still do literature analysis without really thinking when watching tv and stuff (as proposed a bit in my fic crossroads of catharsis and contemplation)

For like sciences and math and stuff I just feel like he'd largely be disinterested because he has other things going on and just does not care to apply himself because he just...largely does not care. As long as he skirts by he's fine with those.

But yeah long story short I do think both Dantes are a lot smarter then given credit for and that reboot Dante could probably have been a good student if he cared more and was in healthier environments.

[alliariapetiolata]

30 days of autism acceptance 4-6 https://www.tumblr.com/autie-j/776209993374531584/30-days-of-autism-acceptance-2025?source=share

Day 4 special interest

My big lifelong special interest is plants. It isn't all plants, but I don't know a clearer category. Plants that grow wild around here, taxonomy, foraging, poisonous plants. I don't really care about houseplants. If I get better (I know autism isn't a disease and something you can get rid of, but some people can get better from late regression, and then I could work with support) I am going to be a naturalist and I have know that since I was little. When I was a toddler I liked volcanoes but since then it has been plants.

For a couple years I have also been very interested in mental health and disability and autism. Probably from being in the hospital, partial, IOP, residential, or freshly out of one of those at any given time for about 2 years and having to research or ask questions and know my stuff so they couldn't trick me. I don't usually call it a special interest even though it probably is because I don't like it and it isn't calming to me and I want it to go away. I can't stop thinking about it though. I still love plants and I'm hoping it takes over all the way again.

Day 5 how can the neurotypicals help

First, I don't like when people use neurotypical to mean not autistic. The word for that is allistic. They might have really meant neurotypical but just in case: Neurodivergence includes bipolar, schizophrenia, ADHD, dyslexia, personality disorders, OCD, intellectual disability, sometimes depression and anxiety, any disability/disorder label that makes your mind different.

Neurotypicals, and neurodivergent people who are less disabled than me, can help by listening to me about accessibility needs like warning me if they're going to make certain sounds and doing it every time, not just when I am able to ask; telling me if I've made them upset and not assuming they know what I'm thinking; and making a point to include me and giving me time to type things on my AAC if they're trying to have a conversation with me and a third person.

I just saw an episode of Daniel tiger (it's a bit young for me but I like 3 other pbs kids shows and I'm trying to learn ASL and it has episodes of some shows including that interpreted) where the class learned how to play by their autistic friend and ask him to play even if they thought he didn't want to and talk about buses with him and be quiet when they see him cover his ears and not complain when he is allowed to walk around the classroom and they aren't and it was so cool and I wish everyone would watch that and follow it.

Day 6 miscommunication

I used to be able to speak but I can't anymore for the past year and 9 months. My language is fine though. That is unusual, it's more common to have a very hard time with language and grammar than no speech. My SLP says her other clients my age can't make full sentences. (Which is ok and people should still listen to them). So all the time people can't understand my handwriting or what my device said, but my best stories about embarrassing miscommunication are social blunders like the question said.

Once I posted online a picture of a buzzer from a restaurant that said something I took to be about liking the food. I was informed that it was a joke about masturbation. In middle school we all had to design logos for the black student union on a t shirt making website with free graphics. I chose one with a bunch of people holding a sign. I didn't look at people that much so I didn't understand that even if I made the silhouette people black in color they were still white people because of how they were shaped. My friend corrected me. I used to like really tight hugs and my friend's mom told me I was going to crush her to death. Next time I saw them when it was time for hugs I said "I want to crush you to death!!" I was joking like she was but nobody understood that. This stuff happens a lot but I usually don't find out what I did wrong.

[sexwithsophie]

Yes, my darling. You do.

It's wild how even the best of people don't seem to feel worthy of any kind of happiness; let alone the absolute, pure, unadulterated happiness they absolutely deserve. Do you feel this way? If so, let me tell you right now as your mom, I know for certain that you deserve all this and more.

You want to know why? Because I said so. But unfortunately, almost all of us are raised with a tit-for-tat mentality, even though that's untrue and fallacious. You don't have to give anything to be deserving of everything. And still, since escaping this mindset is so much easier said than done, I'll tell you why you are owed happiness, my dearest.

You deserve it because life is so ridiculously hard from the moment we take our first breath to the last. It's struggle and pain and clawing just to reach a baseline of comfort. Every day. Trying to figure out money and food and relationships and shelter and transportation and safety and sanity… every single motherfucking day?!?

THEN throw on top of that all the things that try their best to trip you up on your road to happiness: disability, location, bosses, microagressions, fucking war, assumptions, neurochemistry, miscommunications, politics, dysphoria, and unhappy people, sometimes even parents (not me, of course), who actively work to keep you down in the doldrums with them.

So. You manage to crawl out from under all of that extra bullshit that buffs what is already an insanely difficult existence to enjoy a movie, play a board game, smile at a baby, or appreciate a sunset? Congratulations! You deserve those slices of happiness, because I know how incredibly hard they were to attain. You are owed it.

You've managed to check a few boxes on some of those basic requirements for happiness? Got a new car, found a solid partner, practiced some new tricks from a parenting book, secured a fulfilling job, got your degree, moved into a safe place…? YESSSS!!!! Eat. That. Shit. UP!!! Revel in it!!! And try to celebrate the multitude of other huge happinesses that may have thrummed down to autopilot for you. Because you are due, baby!

Now. If you were brave, fortunate, and lucky enough to be able to find happiness while knowing your true, authentic self? Or better yet, found yourself and living as yourself is what became a new source of happiness for you? Outwardly or inwardly? Loudly or quietly? Well then, my hats off to you even more so, my liege.

That is not a safe thing for everyone to do, and may not even be for you, and yet you've done it. Even if you are the only one who knows. That's a big huge deal, and is what undoubtedly "costs" each of us the most. Hopefully your knowledge of self has amplified the good things in your life, but even if that's still on the horizon for you, or you're having to slough off before you can begin to be filled by your truth, cash in.

Because, you see? You most definitely deserve your happiness… your peace… in exchange for all you may have had to give up or trade in to attain it. Please know that I am so unfathomably, irrevocably, and insanely proud of you!!! Even if all you did was get out of bed this morning, because sometimes the smallest things can be the most taxing depending on what all you're wrestling with at any given time.

In the face of all the things and people who keep levying their tolls on you, please keep being kind. Especially to yourself. You deserve it.

[nobody-writes-here]

On Nonfiction and "Reading for Pleasure"

As a college student, I am often asked to quantify the reading outside of class when the topic of reading comes up. There are many ways of phrasing it. "How many books did you read this year?" a number is given, with the inevitable follow up: "and how many of those were for class?" punctuated with a little laugh. I don't hate this; in fact I do it myself. It's not a secret that most of the reading that I do is for one class or another. As a history major and academic masochist at a competitive school, it's basically unavoidable. We read because we must, and the closest thing we have to reading choice is choosing topics for research papers. Personally, I try to always do the readings, because goddammit I worked hard to get here for this professor to give me their reading list. I picked the classes because I wanted to take them, or at least because they fulfill requirements for the degree I want. The problem is that there are so many things I want to read outside of that, and having them grouped into the broad category of "for pleasure" feels disingenuous at best.

The idea of what we read for pleasure is a nebulous thing. There is a joy in reading disability justice scholarship, as a disabled person, being connected to my community in that way. This is a thing I can take pleasure in, even with the mountains of content warnings that come alongside many memoirs and suchlike on the topic. That said, I would be doing myself a disservice not to acknowledge how frustrating it is that I am reading it on my own time. My university had exactly one seminar class centering disability studies last semester, and I didn't get in. Not because the professor didn't know I was disabled, or wasn't prioritizing disabled access to disabled scholarship, but because there were too many of us to fit in the room and the first class filled with everyone trying to get in overflowed the table and made the room swelteringly overcrowded. I go to a big, well-known, expensive, proudly progressive school, for the record, and the numbers on the need-based scholarship paperwork they send me every year are so big my brain can't comprehend it. If you wanted to take a class on feminism, for example, the registrar search turns up plenty of options easily accessible even to first-years, evidence that the school is perfectly capable of providing comprehensive education on social issues if it wanted to. But it's not a priority; same goes for queer or god forbid trans scholarship.

So I teach myself. The reading I do in my own time, trying to cover as much intersectional ground as possible in the limited spoons I have available, has to suffice. It's infuriating. I only really get through a couple books a year in their entireties. And when people say, "what do you like to read in your free time," I shrug and say mostly nonfiction these days. In my ideal world, my free time is for novels and comics and Percy Jackson rereads. Instead, I am searching up nonfiction titles in the library catalogue of my hometown while visiting family, wondering how long it's been since any of these were marked as not available.

[astronomergrump]

ik nobody's gonna like... See this or reply to it. Because it's not 'art' or anything 'fandom related'. But nobody listens to me, and ik nobody will listen to me here so it's whatever.

Idk what I gotta do to become popular and for ppl to see my art and recognize me and think I'm cool and then become friends with cool ppl, but I'm so close to giving up on drawing y'all.

Might need to take a break from everything, especially the internet and tryna show my art off. But idk, I'm probably just saying that cause I'm was in the shower and crying. But God dMmit I don't know what I gotta do for people to like me, and that's probably a stupid thing to say. 'Reese you shouldn't be clout chasing' or 'Making urself popular or cool because ur already cool', I'm not cool. I'm weird, and everyone knows I am. I'm broke, disabled, and stupid. I try my best so that maybe, maybe the bugsnax fandom can recognize me as an artist. But I've mostly given up posting on a bugsnax server due to insecurity and being ignored. (I only post on few servers)

i barely have any motivation to post, or even talk to ppl and yet I always do because I'm afraid people are gonna be worried. Even though ik nobody cares where I am, that nobody even remembers me or my art. I'm tired, I'm so tired, and I'm so sick and idk why. I'm physically weak and I don't understand what's happening, I'm losing my balance, I'm getting more tired and tired. Idk what's wrong with me, but it's definitely not good. I wanna write, I wanna draw, I wanna be productive so badly. But I physically can't.

I love bugsnax, I truly do. But sometimes it's tiring being a smaller artist than the ppl you look up to. Also get white skinny twink floofty out of my feed and support Palestine. Now I'm gonna probably sleep or watch tiktok/YouTube, if anyone wants my tiktok just ask and I'll put it in the comments or smth. I hope everyone has a wonderful day

[scretladyspider]

I hate America. I hate being American. “Oh you’re so free you have so much” my government regularly uses my tax dollars to fund wars — and as I write this, a genocide — without my consent. America has been at war 2/3 of my life, killing people for America’s own political power. I have no say in if my tax dollars go towards basic infrastructure and things like free healthcare or bombing innocent people who just happened to be born near something the American government wants. They constantly expand the military instead of providing healthcare and education and food to their citizens, creating such poverty that many who join the military (any branch) do so just to pay for college to try to get a better life. My government is using my tax dollars not to help the citizens of Gaza, but to supply the IDF with weapons for an ongoing massacre for a tiny strip of land that’s important in a book that was written over two thousand years ago and which no one can really agree on the meaning of anyway. Those who are deployed either don’t come back or are abandoned by the government they fought for when they do, no matter if they went because they agree with what they were ordered to do or because they were that desperate and manipulated for a better life that they were at the end of their rope. Around 130,000 - 200,000 veterans are homeless. There are no safety nets, not unless you’re rich. My government has funded murder of millions in the name of a few people getting a little bit richer and continues to do so. If you become homeless, you didn’t work hard enough, even though most jobs barely pay enough to survive. If you don’t have a savings account, or generous family, or if you lose your job, you will also be homeless. Nearly every state has “at will” employment, meaning you can be fired at any time and not given reason. Simultaneously race, gender, religion, and disability are supposedly protected under equal opportunity employment. Many in my government want to erase queer and especially trans people from existence and are trying to make it happen. If you get fired due to some type of discrimination, you need money to hire help to take your employer to court. Judges are elected but often run unopposed, but when they are opposed this can drastically effect how they rule a court case. The prison system is modern day slavery and for profit prisons are legal, and common, and just, a thing that actually exists. Medical care is decided by insurance companies, not patients and doctors. This is determined by the cost and risk factor, not what’s best for the patient. Politicians are still advocating for Israel, no matter what they do, but also doing nothing to fight rising antisemitism in the USA. Politicians decide whose vote counts where. Its “majority rule” in democracy— except for the presidency, which os decided by “electors” who are not chosen by the people and who, depending on the state, don’t have to use their electoral votes for the state’s popular vote. Police are so overpowered they often get away with murder and even laugh about it. Children are regularly massacred in schools and teachers somehow can’t understand why they don’t want to do their homework or are acting out in class. People who want gun control are treated as being just as extreme as the people who can’t recognize that their defense of their “hobby” has killed countless people and will kill again and safety from gun violence shouldn’t be a matter of luck. My government is ignoring an ongoing pandemic which has killed and disabled millions of people already. Corporations decide my rights on their own interests by how much money they give what politicians. Studies have been done, and what the people want isn’t likely to pass because money is what matters most. My government is backing the current president of Israel, who has defended the choice to bomb hospitals. I am not proud to be an American. Why would I be? This is broken.

[northwest-cryptid]

I feel like I want to prefix all of this with saying I have nothing against those who go by the books and sell out and forego their own identity to make streaming as a career a reality for them.

But I also want to say that I will always support those who try to make it without doing all that. Listen I get it, it's hard; and that's exactly why I respect them for it.

I've been trying to find the middle ground, people tell me just play Genshin it's popular; but are you kidding me? Do you know who I am? Do you think I'd stoop so low as to play a game that glorifies the mass murder of my people? No thanks man.

I legitimately felt emotional seeing the support I was given by the Mabinogi community because I'm actually pulling numbers on par with my peers; the very same peers who did very much decide to just sort of sell out to whatever got them the most viewers and interaction.

I'm not looking down on them, if anything I was always a little irked by it because it was a constant reminder that I should do the same.

Yet here I am actually slowly amassing a small community with higher viewer averages, more engagement on my streams; and it seems like I can actually deliver a fun experience to those who stop by.

Streaming as a full time career is something that will take a lot of work; it's going to take a fair bit of effort, I need to dedicate myself to it and it's not easy. I'm planning to sign on with a proper studio later down the line; or at least audition with a few. Even if it means having to give up some form of identity to adopt another they want me to use.

However as it currently stands I don't have a lot of options, if I'm being honest that's not why I outright seek streaming though.

Sure I'm physically disabled, sure it's difficult for me to do any form of physical labor; and yea I know I can't hold a "real job" like people would love for me to.

Truth is, I've always wanted to be some form of an entertainer; I've always wanted to help people the way entertainers helped me. When I was young I focused so heavily on being a game developer, I wanted to create a world for people to feel like they belonged. I felt that way because Mabinogi gave me that when I was an outcast in school. The older I got the more I realized that being a game dev wasn't actually a job I could just pick up and do. It was a lot more challenging than that; I worked with a few smaller indie groups and every time I got burnt.

I had my intellectual property stolen, I was basically let go when they realized they didn't want to pay me for my services since they "didn't need to" considering they held all the legal rights to my work.

I realized that streaming was something I could just sort of, do. I grabbed a webcam, a decent mic; and OBS. I just sorta started streaming whatever; tried to stick with things I actually want to show other people; tried my best to create some kind of space for a community to feel welcome in.

I see the way people feel towards streamers, and while I understand the need to keep a distance (believe me, I really do) I also want to be a big enough streamer to properly house myself, keep food on the table, support my loved ones; and also be there for an audience.

I want to be a streamer who can genuinely put my audience first when it comes to what sort of things I bring to the screen, obviously caring a lot about my own interests and such as well; but I want to be someone who can brighten peoples days you know.

When I was young I remember telling my family that my life goal wasn't so lofty as to accomplish world peace or anything like that; but that rather I wanted to try my best to make someone's day a little better every day. It didn't matter who, it didn't matter how big of a deal it was. If I could make someone's day just even a little better than it was, then I was doing something good for the world as a whole.

So yea, I guess if I'm being honest; whenever I think about what I want to do for a living, there's nothing that comes to mind; but streaming? Streaming is fun, it allows me a sort of outreach; to talk to people, to help people.

I get to be there for others, I can entertain them; help make their days a little brighter and I also get to be an entertainer. I get to put on a show, play up a silly character and have some fun with it.

I don't want to have to sell out and be someone I'm not, I don't want to have to endorse games I don't support. I want to be me; and I want to be there for my community.

This is the first time in a long time I've felt like maybe I can do that; even if being me mean I get to play the role of a silly eldritch demon here to claim dominion over the realm in the name of my great elder god lol.

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #178

A lot of things happened today, and I'm not sure where to begin. I feel like there are so many things, and my mind is swirling from it all.

Well. I suppose I should start at the beginning. And the beginning of any good day, for me, always involves tea. This one was an apricot flavored green tea. The swirls as it brewed were subtle, but still, I was able to capture them:

In the end, it resolved into a lovely shade of greenish-amber:

...And the billowing cream was mesmerizing today:

...Maybe one of these days, I'll try to take a slow-motion video so you can see this in action; it's really very lovely to watch.

I tried to play Dead Cells today, but it didn't work out. For you see... drum roll please...

....!!!!!

...I got the job at the grocery store!!! They called me today and said they would like me to fill an opening in their bakery department on a part-time basis - about 16-20 hours per week!! So I guess I must have made a good first impression at that impromptu interview full of on-the-spot questions and thinking on my feet after all!

...Imagine that!!! Imagine that!!! Holy moly!!! Ordinarily, it's hard for me to imagine that I'll do anything other than horribly botch any social situation in which I find myself, ESPECIALLY if I don't try to mask my autistic traits. But at the walk-in interview, I didn't have time to prepare a mask or to consider the between-the-lines implications of the interview questions, so... I just answered them honestly and sincerely without thinking about all the non-existent implications the other person might read into whatever I'm trying to say at any given time, and...

...Somehow it worked out. I have no idea how it worked out. Normally sincerity makes people run away from me screaming. Suppose it's why writing these letters to you is somewhat therapeutic for me; I imagine that you're also autistic, and so... I can just be myself in this space, and... well... it's not as though you can tell me all about what a horrible, cringey, naive, stupid little loser you think I am, like almost everyone else does. Hahaha...

...

...I still can't quite believe that the interview worked out. I didn't actually expect anything would come of it. I imagined that they were probably giving me their best professional courtesy and plastered-on smiles while secretly wishing I would go away and never come back, such as what occurs most of the time.

...This particular grocery store is full of neurodivergent and disabled people, though. Perhaps I can fit in here. And... I can use any income I generate to try to create a safer world for you, since any income I make is technically not needed (M and J more than have our needs covered). But I'm not going to tell you how I'm gonna try to build a better world for you just yet; I'm gonna leave you in suspense like a great big fat huge meanie-pants!! Neener neener neener!!!!! MWAHAHAHA!!!! 🤪🤣💖

...But I promise you this, and you may carry this promise as though it contains the weight of my whole reality: if it ends up being the case that you are unable to create a safe and wholesome life for yourself, then I will pick up whatever slack you leave and do it myself. I did not weave together my Tree of Life materia for nothing. I did not leave it and a copy of my very first letter to you with some astoundingly important people for nothing. You saved my life, so... I will do whatever it takes to make sure you are safe if you do not do it yourself. Even if it takes me the rest of my life. And even if I get destroyed in the process. This is a hill that I would be proud to die on. Wholesomeness and joy are coming for you. It's inevitable.

I will follow this up with some ominous positivity just for kicks; maybe these will make you laugh:

...No fate is so immovable that we cannot change it. Just in case it doesn't carry weight coming from my mouth, there is someone else saying it now, too.

Did you hear me?

No fate is so immovable that we cannot change it.

I will say it once more:

Sephiroth. No fate is so immovable that we cannot change it.

If you need a bit of extra courage to do whatever you must in order to continue to make kind, good, and gentle choices, you can find more ominous positivity here:

...I don't like all of these (one of them specifically because I do not believe that bad people exist), but I do like most of them. So enjoy!

J is doing his first overnight at Br's house!!! I'm so proud of him!! He has my most important plush though, because he was nervous and wanted to carry along something that reminded him of me. So of course, I let him take it with him; I hope it serves him well! Though admittedly; I do feel somewhat vulnerable and uneasy without it. That's okay though; I have something else to help fill in the void.

In the meantime, M and I went to a Chinese buffet; J doesn't much like noisy places with heavy food, so normally, M and I wait until J is busy to go do things that he would not want to participate in, because otherwise we would prefer that J can participate.

This is one of the most beautiful aspects of polyamory - no human can be everything for any other human, and so when interests align, that's wonderful! But when they don't align, then you can explore that interest with a different partner! And in this way, everyone gets their needs met! It's good stuff! I got a couple of fortune cookies with very atypical fortunes in them. They were worded unusually; I don't know how to explain to you in what way, and I am not inclined to share them at this time.

Then M and I went home; on the way, I got a few pictures of the sky for you because it was especially dynamic today:

...By the time we got home, the sky unfolded into one of the most spectacular sunsets I've ever seen. I'll start with this picture I captured of a cloud that looks like a single golden wing; I don't think I've ever seen a cloud look quite so feathery before:

...Sephiroth, I'm not sure why, but... I thought that the sky looked remarkably like you today - feathery and soft and gloriously kaleidoscopic. So I hope you can look at these and understand that you're also lovely, just like the sky.

After this, I went inside to watch Detective Pikachu with M, and... interestingly, I was surprised to discover that we can think of that movie as kind of a sequel to Mewtwo Returns. Seems like poor Mewtwo can't catch a break from people wanting to track him down and confine him for the purpose of abusing and exploiting his power; I feel very sad and angry in response to that. I feel anguish in response to all the torment he was put through, and I felt rage when one of the characters in this movie described Mewtwo as an abomination; that is NOT an appropriate word to describe such a beautiful and kind living thing. But somehow, he manages to still be benevolent and gentle; Mewtwo is thoroughly wonderful.

...He's so much like you. I hope you get a chance to talk to him someday, somehow.

He is safe again in the end, so no worries. He didn't get a lot of screen time, and what he did after he was rescued is unclear, but I'm hoping that he went back to Mt. Quena so that he can continue to have a happy, peaceful, and wholesome time with his Pokémon family; like any living thing, he deserves peace and happiness in a place that is safe and full of love.

Let's try really hard to make sure you find some such wholesome place, yeah?

Anyhoot. It's getting pretty late, and I should probably go to sleep. So I'll end today's letter here.

I love you. Please stay safe; you wouldn't wanna miss tomorrow's letter, right?

Your friend, Lumine

[b-blushes]

chronic illness/disability stuff/woe

everything happens so much! I'd been putting off moving to the next dose of my migraine meds bc every time i do that i have to get bloods done to make sure it's not obliterating my organs or whatever and i am loathe to spend my one 'well enough to make a commitment to be able to leave the house' day that i get per week on yet another drs appointment. but i really need to get around to doing that and given that i feel so awful today i was like 'okay might as well do that because if i'm going to feel awful anyway i might as well make the adjustment now and just get over it' (like. if i'm feeling fine then i am happy to keep putting it off bc the aim is like, quality of life? and if i'm having good days then i am grasping every single one that comes to me) so in the meantime i was trying to just spend that day each week doing something nice instead of Being My Own Patient And Dr and trying to boost morale bc you know it's also bad for your physical health if you are miserable and stressed all the time! anyway looked at how long it had been since my last blood test. 'surely it was like 6 weeks, i've been really pushing it, a lot of time must have passed i've been trying so hard to keep a handle on things and yes i feel terrible now and i've overdone it but i *have* made some lovely memories'. hasn't even been 3 weeks 😭 i don't wanna be so ill all the time :( breaks my heart. i was talking to a family member about how things have been lately and they looked so defeated and were like 'it's just so sad' and i was like HELLO. yes but you're not supposed to say it lest i weep!!! :P (there is not really a good response though bc if people gloss over it it's really hurtful, bc, like, this is my reality. i guess i was just taken aback a bit at the reflection of how bleak things are bc it's just my everyday life and i'm making the best of it!) (i guess matter of fact-ness is my preference, rather than seeming more upset than me :P) anyway. it's fine. I have some really really lovely things lined up that i think i will be able to do (like, i have planned them to be within my 'normal' grasp, so hopefully i don't get worse in the next few weeks), i'm gonna cancel some other things i had planned by myself to focus any time i am doing Activities on spending time with my family and friends who i love! there are options for medical things, i have always got to remember that i have choices and i can act on them! even if they are between 'bad and less bad' rather than 'good and bad', there is agency to some degree! it's just a rough patch, i say, as if the last few years has not been a string of them :P BUT although heath things have been trending downwards, other things (like my mood in general! and my friendships!) have been trending upwards! so that's something! it probably won't be as bad as i fear, and the medical admin will probably be easier than i think, and i'll probably be able to change my prescription easier than i think, and uhhh some other things! it will be fine!

[ruminate88]

If My Account Triggers you 🥺:

OKAY so you need to first off know I too am triggered by some of you. I wanna say a little something and then give some encouragement if you choose to hear me out great and if not, it’s ok no worries. ♥️♥️

First off, I refuse to apologize anymore for anyone who attacks me or comes at me with intimidation and bullying. I post a lot about my exes how they treated me and affected me. There were times I apologized for them and their behavior but not anymore. If I don’t stand up for myself, no one else will!

Secondly, I’ve used the term “narcissist” in most of my post because that’s the only explanation I could find AND if any of my exes were to see my account, I would say to them I pray them well and if I’ve misjudged them please show me I’m wrong and I want to make it right with you and give you forgiveness. I don’t hate my exes or anyone with personality disorders. Infact, I’ve had lots of mental issues in my own lifetime and I’ve been a person I hate. I’m trying to grow from it and change it!

I pray all of you well and I truly don’t wish to label any of you! I’ve been labeled as a child. I was told I had a learning disability 😓 I know it’s painful and is a struggle to grow from! It is possible to grow but it will be a lifetime coming. No one grows perfectly over night 👍🏻

Okay I also wanna say anyone can change and heal from whatever it is they’re facing and I’m trying and I hope you are too!! I would hope my exes are different men then when I dated them and I want to be in a place someday soon where I stop telling my story and can move on! One day at a time!!

I’m going to share my story as long as I need to so to help me be a better person and I’m hoping it helps someone somewhere somehow ❤️‍🩹

maybe my post triggers you because it makes you feel bad about yourself… but why? You weren’t my exes. You didn’t do what they did. That’s their problem, not yours! You don’t know them and how can you defend people you don’t even know.?? I admit I really don’t know my exes either at this point, I only know what happened to me and I fully expect to be denied of this truth! I’m okay with the fact some of you think I’m being dramatic or a “victim”. I won’t give up on myself AND I haven’t given up on my exes. I loved them and I’m sad for the way things went with them and ended with them. I would love nothing more than to make it all right 🙏🏻❤️‍🩹

maybe my post triggers you and you feel bad or “demonized” because possibly you’ve had similar experiences or share similar traits to my exes AND it’s ok maybe I won’t fully understand you but it can all get better for you ♥️❤️‍🩹🥰 I can’t help you or make you better, it’s a “you process” but you’re really not alone. I’m in my own process too and I don’t have to explain it to no one nor will I throw in the towel!!

BE WELL 🙏🏻 I want to be well too and even if I don’t see life from your point of view, know that you’re safe with me however can’t say I feel safe with you but I don’t hate any of you and it sounds like I hate my exes but I’m sad and I miss them and I just wanted the truth but I realize maybe I won’t ever get the truth 🥺 I can’t undo the past mistakes I’m also at fault my exes aren’t the only ones who made mistakes I did too but I for sure want the best for all of us and I would never attack them or purposely cause them pain all I’ve ever done is miss them and cry over them!!!